Time goes by.....

..... so slowly sometimes. I had my dr appointment May 9th, right before I left to go visit my sister. Little Bean's heartbeat was 153 and everything looked perfect and on schedule.  I have my next appointment next Tuesday, the 7th (which also happens to be my 14th wedding anniversary) and we will see. I still waver from absolutely knowing everything is fine to waiting for the impending miscarriage. My husband thinks I'm crazy and I probably will be at least until the end of the first trimester. I am now 10 weeks 6 days and it feels like the time is crawling by. I made it through my visit with my sister without telling her I was pregnant. I've been taking unisom and B6 and it almost completely wipes out my morning sickness. I still feel ill if I eat the wrong things, but that's easy to hide. I thought so many times to tell her, but something stopped me every time. I'm just not ready yet. Plus, she is at the very end of her pregnancy; she will be induced on the 8th if she hasn't gone into labor on her own.  I'll let the family enjoy the happiness of her new baby before we jump in with our news. We ended up staying an extra week on our vacation because it was just me and my little man (hubby worked the whole time) and since he is three we don't have a lot of things scheduled yet. So, we were gone for almost three weeks (I left Monday, May 9th and came home Friday, May 27th). Life has settled back into normal and I am happy to be home but I miss my sister too much. Sometimes visiting just makes the distance harder.
The pregnancy seems to be pretty normal so far. I run out of breath easily, I am weird about food, I am tired at all times, my chest has grown about an inch and a half already (my successful pregnancy I went from a B cup to a DD), my emotions are strong, and I can smell everything. I keep trying to compare this time to my successful pregnancy and my miscarriage, but it's hard sometimes to remember. I'll just keep hoping and praying for only good things.

Sweet things...

..... make me sick. Which is good and bad because I tend to eat sweets when I'm upset and they make me happy. But right now, they make me sick. We had waffles for dinner tonight and syrup was a bad idea. Oh well! Hopefully it will help me not gain weight! A neighbor brought us cupcakes tonight and just thinking about eating one made me gag.  So, so weird for me.  Bring on the carrots!

The Little Bean......

....... is still hanging in there as far as I can tell. I still vary from thinking everything is fine to expecting to miscarry at any moment. ONE MORE WEEK until I have my dr appointment and get to see the little one and hopefully a strong heartbeat.  Hubby has done more dishes in the last few weeks, than in the last few months. Sweet man, I am grateful for him.
I am soooo, soooo tired. In addition to waking up to go to the bathroom at least once a night, I am having trouble staying asleep for long periods of time (this happens to me occasionally, but usually only a few nights at a time; this has been pretty consistent for the last couple of weeks), and am having weird dreams every night! I am one who maybe remembers 6 dreams a year, so every night is a bit much for me. And they are all a little scary and bizarre, in one I had a miscarriage (don't remember the details, but it was odd somehow), in another my 3 year old son died (he went up the elevator with my grandpa who passed away 5 years ago), last night my high school boyfriend and his wife came and kidnapped a baby that I was watching. So, I wake up at 6 in the morning puzzling or worrying over the weirdness my brain has just thrust upon me. All the while trying to convince myself to go back to sleep so that I can not be so TIRED. Ok, rant over. Still I am grateful, amazed, and slightly teary at all times.

Things are.....

....still looking good. I haven't had any bleeding or spotting. I am hungrier, but not nauseous unless I really put off eating. My sense of smell is stronger, my neighbor had her lawn mower in the garage and the smell of gas about knocked me over. When doing my workout today I got winded much more easily than usual. Tired, but that's kind of normal for me. Not too hormonal, but with my first pregnancy I was just happy, I didn't get the crazy hormone mood swings that most women get. Oh, how I hope that will be the case this time. The last few nights I've been up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I made my doctors appointment for May 9, I will be seven weeks then so hopefully we will see a heartbeat. I will still worry until I hit that twelve week mark. Last time the baby stopped growing at 8 weeks 3 days, but I had my first ultrasound when I was 9 weeks. I know sometimes they can tell when there is a problem but to my knowledge everything looked fine, just must have been something not visible. But I will feel better if things look good at seven weeks. I am supposed to go visit my sister that same week, the one who is due in June. So, it would be really nice if all is well. If not, I may have to postpone the trip. I have days when I am sure everything will be fine this time around and days when I am certain that I will start seeing blood any moment. I just don't feel the symptoms very strongly, but only being 4 weeks 2 days could be the reason for that. I am not sure if I am deluding myself, but I honestly feel this pregnancy is different from the last one. But, I had strong pregnancy symptoms even the day of the ultrasound last time. Most days I don't make myself crazy, trying to stay focused on taking good care of myself and stay positive. We haven't told anyone yet. I may end up telling my neighbor that I exercise with because some of the 90x programs are too intense for me right now. Not sure I can tackle plyometrics right now! Happy thoughts!

So, it's official......

...... I've had at least ten positive pregnancy tests since Tuesday.  My period was due Saturday the 16th, but I always start testing early. I bought those test strips from Amazon where you get 50 for under $10 so I could test as much as I wanted. I'm fairly confident that I'm pregnant, but I am not confident that I won't miscarry. Part of my crazy testing after I got a positive was to see if the lines were getting darker or lighter. The lines are getting darker, but my breast tenderness has decreased and is not as constant.  Which makes me panic a little. I am trying so hard not to stress and most of the time I am successful. I'll call my doctor's office on Monday and see how soon they will let me come in to hopefully put aside my fears. I was at my parent's house yesterday and my son told my mom that we were having a baby. I hadn't told him yet (so where his idea came from I'm not sure) and my husband didn't even know yet because he was out of town for work; however, I wasn't going to tell my mom first, so I just made a joke and reminded him that it was Aunt T who is having a baby.  I guess I can plead innocence when we announce because I haven't even missed my period yet! Happy Thoughts!

Merry Christmas.....

.....or not? Just realized that if I discover within the next week that I am pregnant I will be due the week of Christmas. For the record, I don't know how I didn't realize this, and while I will be ecstatic to be pregnant I have some trepidation about the timing. I have a sister with a Christmas Eve birthday and it can be difficult. But, if we are blessed with a child that close to Christmas at least I know that our child will be celebrated all their life.
Such a random thought, but I was off a month in my thoughts of when I would be due. I did a pregnancy calculator last night and realized my mistake. For someone trying to conceive sometimes I feel like I am oblivious to a lot. Ignorance as a security net? Not sure how I am feeling about that.

Wow...

....I am a horrible blogger! So, still not prego. I am starting to be ok again with that. I started doing an hour of school a day with my three year old, and I don't know that I could commit the time to preparing and following through with that if I was expecting or had an infant. We plan to put him in preschool next fall and I wanted him to have some idea of what to expect. He does much better in life when I prepare him for things. He's super smart (I'm not biased) and actually loves "school" with mommy. We just started this week and this morning first thing he saw our school box and wanted to do school. No cartoons, no breakfast, just school. I'm sure that won't last, but who knows, I actually enjoyed school so maybe he will too. It doesn't hurt that I let him practice writing his letters in sugar and then he gets to lick his fingers!
I went to a baby shower last night. Here where I live there are always pregnant women. At the shower I ran into an acquaintance who is pregnant and due in August. She has a three year old child who they adopted as an infant and was told never to plan on being pregnant seven years ago. I am so excited for her. She seems nervous and still a little incredulous that it's actually true. She was telling me about it, and paused and said, "I can imagine you understand that feeling completely." Yep, funny cause it was seven years for us too. I just hope she can relax and enjoy her pregnancy. I know that after I got through that first trimester I was so happy. I seriously have never been that happy with my normal hormonal mood fluctuations. You can ask my hubby, he will wholeheartedly agree!  Baby showers are fun, but hard. Since my boy is three now people are starting to ask about another baby soon. I am able to deflect with humor, saying one rambunctious boy is plenty; but the laughter is only on the outside.  But, I do love oogling the cute tiny baby clothes and shoes. The upside to living in prego-ville is that there is always a baby to cuddle! And I don't have to change the diapers or get up in the middle of the night for feedings!
Still doing my fertility monitor. I'm not sure why, but it makes me feel like I'm doing something. Every month I try to find something new to blame my non-pregnancy on. I'm exercising too much, I'm not eating the right foods, my hubby gets too hot when he works out (Zumba, he loves it!), my neighbor who is in peri-menopause is throwing off my cycle......blah, blah, blah.  I have a friend who isn't ovulating right now and her doctor wants her to go on Clomid, but she's nervous. She needs to do what she's comfortable with, but I thought to myself, "Oh, I wish I actually knew some reason I don't get pregnant so I knew what to do about it!" But, it doesn't really matter because we are all in this difficult journey together and whether our circumstances are the same or different we all understand the struggle month after month.