Sometimes I Wonder.....

....why I feel I don't want to talk about my struggle with infertility with my friends and family. Most people who know us are aware of it, but I really can't open up about it to them. Our parents don't even know about my miscarriage. Really, how do you not tell your mom something like that? We were waiting until the safe time to tell them we were pregnant and then when we didn't make it to that point, I didn't know how to bring it up. They don't live in the same town so I didn't have to explain any missed Sunday dinners or family events. I know that it is nothing to be ashamed of, but I don't want it to be my defining characteristic.
I had someone who I adore recently tell me she had a dream about me holding a infant boy. She had this look on her face like she had told me the best news! Really, I don't think anyone who hasn't struggled with conceiving a child can understand how those words might be hurtful. Which, is why I don't have any anger for her, because she is truly one of the kindest people I know. I got pregnant within a year of moving here, we were both in our early thirties, so most people just assume we waited intentionally to have kids, or that we hadn't been married that long before moving here. It isn't that strange to wait a few years between children, so it's just now that people are starting to anticipate us announcing another child soon (which I really hope we will). So it's a little weird for me to share my life with people who have no idea of this private struggle. I feel a little imposterish, like I am living life with this secret that people don't know. But really how do you bring it up in casual conversation? "Your little girl looks so adorable today, oh and by the way, I have a super hard time getting pregnant, I've had a miscarriage and I'm terrified I'll never have another child." Ha ha, I would love to see the crazy looks I would get. So, for now I am happy to finally have an outlet for these thoughts and feelings I have. My dear hubby is the only person I know who knows about this blog, so for now I feel safe in my anonymity, and grateful for the kind words of strangers who actually understand the world I navigate.