Thursday, January 27, 2011

I Have the Best Husband Ever!!!!!!

Tonight, I went to a new class at the gym, which meant my hubby had to have a sandwich for dinner. Then, he took our boy upstairs and watched a movie with him so I could take a leisurely bath and read.  I am relaxed and happy right now (and ready to crawl into bed despite the early hour). And, he put him to bed. Thanks my love!


Ok, definitely not pregnant this month.  The wait is over, now I get to get ready for next month, count my blessings, and hug my boys.


Still nothing, no bleeding, no positive test. UGH!!!!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Hope Springs Eternal

I astound myself some days as I continue to focus on specific things my body is doing and completely disregard others.  I did have some spotting on Monday, but since then I have only had slight pinkish brownish discharge, and I have still been nauseous. So, my heart keeps saying, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe...........
Never mind the fact that there are other pre-period symptoms that are unmistakable like cramping, that somewhat burning sensation I get just before period, my breast tenderness stopped, the negative pregnancy tests, my head saying, no, no, no, no............
If only my heart could be right and my brain could be wrong. Tomorrow should be day 1, the day I know for sure; even though really I know for sure and I just don't want to.  I'm just amazed that in the face of the facts, I still hope that maybe the facts could be wrong.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

My Sweet Sister

First of all, let me say I love my sister. After my husband and son she is my favorite person in this world. She is kind, sensitive, loving, and a fabulous sister. She is also super-duper fertile. She has been married for eight years, and is pregnant with her fifth child. Her oldest is seven, second is five, third is three, youngest eighteen months, baby due in June. I really don't know how she does all she does and finds money in the budget for everything (her hubby doesn't make a ton of money and he's a student right now). It's funny but I have never struggled with her easy (and often unplanned) ability to get pregnant.....until this one. It has a little to do with my miscarriage, and her ill-timed doctor appointment the day before my estimated due date when she discovered she is having a little boy. But, also that we try unsuccessfully to get pregnant and it happens for her when she is trying not to get pregnant. "The only time it could have happened was when I was on my period!"
I feel so guilty that I am not ecstatic for her this time.  I feel guilty because I haven't called her since she told me what she is having (it was actually her first appointment since discovering she was pregnant, she was about eighteen weeks pregnant at that point).  I feel guilty because I love her so much and I know that she struggles with my infertility too.
So, I am praying and hoping that I can change my feelings and quit avoiding her and support her right now, because her struggles in life are more challenging than my inability to conceive. I need to not be so selfish!

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Cycle of Crazy

I have this monthly craziness I go though and I'm going insane. Week 1 (period) - depressed because I'm not pregnant.  Week 2 - first couple of days ok, next five days crazy because ovulation fertile window is opening and we need to focus. Week 3 - first couple of days are still possible fertile days so there's the focus, then from that point on I'm constantly thinking about whether or not we were successful this month. Week 4 - I over analyze everything about my body, this means I am pregnant, that means I'm not. Week 1 is almost a relief even when period comes because at least then I'm not driving myself crazy trying to figure out if I am pregnant or not!

A Little Introduction

Hi, I am starting this blog so I can vent about my maddening struggle with infertility. I hold no illusions that anyone will actually read this blog, but I need a journal of sorts and writing in a book has never been my thing (reading books, now that's an entirely different story). If someone happens to stumble across this site I will give you a little history. I have been married almost fourteen years, the first three we used birth control (ha, ha what a waste of money!). We waved off not getting pregnant for a couple of years because my husband traveled for a while, I had a somewhat stressful job, blah, blah, excuses, excuses.  Then there was about a year of confusion, and no excuses, but no pregnancy either.
We finally decided to go to a doctor (after three and a half years of no birth control and no pregnancies, six and a half years of marriage). We did tests, everything came back fine. I had mature eggs, I was ovulating, no blockages, no endometriosis, no cysts, etc., my hubby checked out all around. Unexplained infertility, yeah! We did eight cycles of Clomid, two IUI's (with all the fun drugs and shots that accompany that), and still nothing. No pregnancy, no miscarriage, no explanation. I needed a break from all the crazy that I felt I had become.  I was working as a nanny to a wonderful family and they had three adorable girls and I poured my mommy love into them. We kind of looked into adoption, but our hearts just weren't in it. So, we decided to be happy together and just let life happen.  We enjoyed life, moved across the country, and enjoyed being together.
Then, one day (almost three years later) my period was late. What? I was a very steady 28 day girl, so weird right? I had started a new job a month and a half before, we were settling in to a new town. And SURPRISE, I was pregnant. I found an OB, called and they nicely saw me even though I was only five weeks along. They even gave me an ultrasound and miraculously we saw a heartbeat (five weeks is pretty early to see a heartbeat, or so I've been told). I was amazed, astounded, and deliriously happy! My husband was in shock for a little while, I think, but he too was ecstatic with this turn of events. That was four years ago. We celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary in Hawaii when I was five months pregnant and then our little J man was born in September of 2007.
I thought that my struggle with infertility was at it's end. I had a child, I was never sure I would have one, so why wouldn't I be content to just have one spoiled little monster?  But, I always thought I would have multiple kids (I was one of five); and somehow thoughts crept in of desiring another baby. After I gave birth to J we talked about things and decided we weren't going to use any birth control. It seemed kind of pointless, and we did have hopes for another baby. In April of 2010, I was overjoyed to discover I was pregnant again. This time we waited until I was about nine weeks to go to the OB. When they did the ultrasound it was really fast and they tech didn't point out any of the things they usually do. She quietly did her measurements and then told us we could wait in the waiting room for the doctor to see us. I was worried, and when we talked to the doctor she said there was no heartbeat and the baby's size was only at eight weeks. I had had no spotting, no cramping, no indication that things were not as they should be. Most likely I would have started to bleed soon, but I couldn't handle the idea of waiting around to miscarry so we scheduled a D&C for the next day.
Why is it when something happens like that you immediately notice all the people around you who are pregnant?  Friends, old high school friends on facebook, neighbors, cousins. It was insane!
Fast forward a few months, we decided to put all our efforts into getting pregnant again. Tracking my cycle, watching our diets, etc. We put aside a bunch of money in flex spending (gotta love optimism right? even if it costs thousands of dollars), and went to work. The first month we really started was December 2010. I got my period right after Christmas. My in-laws were here and I was really stressed about the pregnancy thing, and it wasn't my favorite Christmas ever. On to January, and I started spotting today. It's a little early (three days) and I could try to write it off as implantation bleeding, but I feel a little crampy, and I'm pretty sure period is here. I was so sure we had a success this month. My breasts were tender (not a common period symptom for me), and I was a little nauseous (although my little boy was sick and sleeping was at a minimum so the nausea probably was a side effect of being really tired).   And now you are up-to-date. From here on out I'll just journal the craziness of ME!