A Little Introduction

Hi, I am starting this blog so I can vent about my maddening struggle with infertility. I hold no illusions that anyone will actually read this blog, but I need a journal of sorts and writing in a book has never been my thing (reading books, now that's an entirely different story). If someone happens to stumble across this site I will give you a little history. I have been married almost fourteen years, the first three we used birth control (ha, ha what a waste of money!). We waved off not getting pregnant for a couple of years because my husband traveled for a while, I had a somewhat stressful job, blah, blah, excuses, excuses.  Then there was about a year of confusion, and no excuses, but no pregnancy either.
We finally decided to go to a doctor (after three and a half years of no birth control and no pregnancies, six and a half years of marriage). We did tests, everything came back fine. I had mature eggs, I was ovulating, no blockages, no endometriosis, no cysts, etc., my hubby checked out all around. Unexplained infertility, yeah! We did eight cycles of Clomid, two IUI's (with all the fun drugs and shots that accompany that), and still nothing. No pregnancy, no miscarriage, no explanation. I needed a break from all the crazy that I felt I had become.  I was working as a nanny to a wonderful family and they had three adorable girls and I poured my mommy love into them. We kind of looked into adoption, but our hearts just weren't in it. So, we decided to be happy together and just let life happen.  We enjoyed life, moved across the country, and enjoyed being together.
Then, one day (almost three years later) my period was late. What? I was a very steady 28 day girl, so weird right? I had started a new job a month and a half before, we were settling in to a new town. And SURPRISE, I was pregnant. I found an OB, called and they nicely saw me even though I was only five weeks along. They even gave me an ultrasound and miraculously we saw a heartbeat (five weeks is pretty early to see a heartbeat, or so I've been told). I was amazed, astounded, and deliriously happy! My husband was in shock for a little while, I think, but he too was ecstatic with this turn of events. That was four years ago. We celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary in Hawaii when I was five months pregnant and then our little J man was born in September of 2007.
I thought that my struggle with infertility was at it's end. I had a child, I was never sure I would have one, so why wouldn't I be content to just have one spoiled little monster?  But, I always thought I would have multiple kids (I was one of five); and somehow thoughts crept in of desiring another baby. After I gave birth to J we talked about things and decided we weren't going to use any birth control. It seemed kind of pointless, and we did have hopes for another baby. In April of 2010, I was overjoyed to discover I was pregnant again. This time we waited until I was about nine weeks to go to the OB. When they did the ultrasound it was really fast and they tech didn't point out any of the things they usually do. She quietly did her measurements and then told us we could wait in the waiting room for the doctor to see us. I was worried, and when we talked to the doctor she said there was no heartbeat and the baby's size was only at eight weeks. I had had no spotting, no cramping, no indication that things were not as they should be. Most likely I would have started to bleed soon, but I couldn't handle the idea of waiting around to miscarry so we scheduled a D&C for the next day.
Why is it when something happens like that you immediately notice all the people around you who are pregnant?  Friends, old high school friends on facebook, neighbors, cousins. It was insane!
Fast forward a few months, we decided to put all our efforts into getting pregnant again. Tracking my cycle, watching our diets, etc. We put aside a bunch of money in flex spending (gotta love optimism right? even if it costs thousands of dollars), and went to work. The first month we really started was December 2010. I got my period right after Christmas. My in-laws were here and I was really stressed about the pregnancy thing, and it wasn't my favorite Christmas ever. On to January, and I started spotting today. It's a little early (three days) and I could try to write it off as implantation bleeding, but I feel a little crampy, and I'm pretty sure period is here. I was so sure we had a success this month. My breasts were tender (not a common period symptom for me), and I was a little nauseous (although my little boy was sick and sleeping was at a minimum so the nausea probably was a side effect of being really tired).   And now you are up-to-date. From here on out I'll just journal the craziness of ME!