It's Been A While....

.....since I've done a post. Nothing new to report. Not pregnant, not even sure I ovulated last month which is weird for me. I had a three week cycle, and even though I'm showing some new symptoms around ovulation (nausea and breast tenderness), this month I still had my twingies (as I call them) when I can feel my ovary working; but didn't feel that last month. Who knows?
So, I'm handling my stress levels better. Just ovulated and if it doesn't happen this month there is no way we will be able to use our flex spending for the delivery and other bills. There's not much I can do at this point about that. If we aren't pregnant this month, I will be able to use the money to try to get pregnant. I still need to check and see what is eligible to use flex spending for, but I will worry about that in two weeks if Aunt Flo comes to visit!
The fun part this month is that I ovulated while at my in-laws house and my husband explained to them why he couldn't go in the hot tub during his usual visit to the gym with his dad.  I understand why he did it, his dad wouldn't have let the issue rest until he had a reason, but it's still a little embarrassing to me. My biggest worry is that now they will be expecting an announcement next month that we are pregnant despite the fact that they know we've been trying to get pregnant practically since we had our son three and a half years ago. Oh, well. Life is good and worrying about that won't change anything.
I started using my fertility monitor again. It seems a little silly since I know my cycle, but it's always nice to have confirmation. I am enjoying life, three year olds really are fun, and am grateful that the craziness has subsided a bit.

Yahoo!

I am doing so good on the stress levels this month! It's 7 days post ovulation and I am not over-analyzing and not driving myself (or my husband) crazy! Hooray! Only one more week to go!

Let The Waiting Begin.....

This is the part of my cycle I hate the most. The waiting to see if period will start or if I will be pregnant this month. I have a goal to not drive myself so crazy this time. We've done what we can, and if it's the right time it will happen. The new weird things my body is doing don't help though. Last month I had nausea and tender breasts and I was convinced I was pregnant and had ovulated a little early. Again this month I have had nausea and the breast tenderness is starting. After a bit of research I discovered that some women have these symptoms around ovulation. Really, new stuff, now? I could do without the stress of my body changing my signs right now. But, I am being calm, I am having faith, I am.....hopeful.

Does anyone else....

....do goofy things during ovulation week? I am putting a stop to all baths between now and period (it might wash away the sperm or the fertilized egg even though I know that all medical advice says it doesn't). I did plow (a yoga position)

Image from: http://www.infobarrel.com/Media/Plow_Yoga_Pose

after sex last night because somehow in my mind it makes the sperm go the right direction. Ha ha! I've never tried that one before, and the sad thing is that if I get pregnant this month I will be determined that that was the trick!

Sometimes I Wonder.....

....why I feel I don't want to talk about my struggle with infertility with my friends and family. Most people who know us are aware of it, but I really can't open up about it to them. Our parents don't even know about my miscarriage. Really, how do you not tell your mom something like that? We were waiting until the safe time to tell them we were pregnant and then when we didn't make it to that point, I didn't know how to bring it up. They don't live in the same town so I didn't have to explain any missed Sunday dinners or family events. I know that it is nothing to be ashamed of, but I don't want it to be my defining characteristic.
I had someone who I adore recently tell me she had a dream about me holding a infant boy. She had this look on her face like she had told me the best news! Really, I don't think anyone who hasn't struggled with conceiving a child can understand how those words might be hurtful. Which, is why I don't have any anger for her, because she is truly one of the kindest people I know. I got pregnant within a year of moving here, we were both in our early thirties, so most people just assume we waited intentionally to have kids, or that we hadn't been married that long before moving here. It isn't that strange to wait a few years between children, so it's just now that people are starting to anticipate us announcing another child soon (which I really hope we will). So it's a little weird for me to share my life with people who have no idea of this private struggle. I feel a little imposterish, like I am living life with this secret that people don't know. But really how do you bring it up in casual conversation? "Your little girl looks so adorable today, oh and by the way, I have a super hard time getting pregnant, I've had a miscarriage and I'm terrified I'll never have another child." Ha ha, I would love to see the crazy looks I would get. So, for now I am happy to finally have an outlet for these thoughts and feelings I have. My dear hubby is the only person I know who knows about this blog, so for now I feel safe in my anonymity, and grateful for the kind words of strangers who actually understand the world I navigate.

I Have the Best Husband Ever!!!!!!

Tonight, I went to a new class at the gym, which meant my hubby had to have a sandwich for dinner. Then, he took our boy upstairs and watched a movie with him so I could take a leisurely bath and read.  I am relaxed and happy right now (and ready to crawl into bed despite the early hour). And, he put him to bed. Thanks my love!

Finally

Ok, definitely not pregnant this month.  The wait is over, now I get to get ready for next month, count my blessings, and hug my boys.