Time goes by.....

..... so slowly sometimes. I had my dr appointment May 9th, right before I left to go visit my sister. Little Bean's heartbeat was 153 and everything looked perfect and on schedule.  I have my next appointment next Tuesday, the 7th (which also happens to be my 14th wedding anniversary) and we will see. I still waver from absolutely knowing everything is fine to waiting for the impending miscarriage. My husband thinks I'm crazy and I probably will be at least until the end of the first trimester. I am now 10 weeks 6 days and it feels like the time is crawling by. I made it through my visit with my sister without telling her I was pregnant. I've been taking unisom and B6 and it almost completely wipes out my morning sickness. I still feel ill if I eat the wrong things, but that's easy to hide. I thought so many times to tell her, but something stopped me every time. I'm just not ready yet. Plus, she is at the very end of her pregnancy; she will be induced on the 8th if she hasn't gone into labor on her own.  I'll let the family enjoy the happiness of her new baby before we jump in with our news. We ended up staying an extra week on our vacation because it was just me and my little man (hubby worked the whole time) and since he is three we don't have a lot of things scheduled yet. So, we were gone for almost three weeks (I left Monday, May 9th and came home Friday, May 27th). Life has settled back into normal and I am happy to be home but I miss my sister too much. Sometimes visiting just makes the distance harder.
The pregnancy seems to be pretty normal so far. I run out of breath easily, I am weird about food, I am tired at all times, my chest has grown about an inch and a half already (my successful pregnancy I went from a B cup to a DD), my emotions are strong, and I can smell everything. I keep trying to compare this time to my successful pregnancy and my miscarriage, but it's hard sometimes to remember. I'll just keep hoping and praying for only good things.

Sweet things...

..... make me sick. Which is good and bad because I tend to eat sweets when I'm upset and they make me happy. But right now, they make me sick. We had waffles for dinner tonight and syrup was a bad idea. Oh well! Hopefully it will help me not gain weight! A neighbor brought us cupcakes tonight and just thinking about eating one made me gag.  So, so weird for me.  Bring on the carrots!

The Little Bean......

....... is still hanging in there as far as I can tell. I still vary from thinking everything is fine to expecting to miscarry at any moment. ONE MORE WEEK until I have my dr appointment and get to see the little one and hopefully a strong heartbeat.  Hubby has done more dishes in the last few weeks, than in the last few months. Sweet man, I am grateful for him.
I am soooo, soooo tired. In addition to waking up to go to the bathroom at least once a night, I am having trouble staying asleep for long periods of time (this happens to me occasionally, but usually only a few nights at a time; this has been pretty consistent for the last couple of weeks), and am having weird dreams every night! I am one who maybe remembers 6 dreams a year, so every night is a bit much for me. And they are all a little scary and bizarre, in one I had a miscarriage (don't remember the details, but it was odd somehow), in another my 3 year old son died (he went up the elevator with my grandpa who passed away 5 years ago), last night my high school boyfriend and his wife came and kidnapped a baby that I was watching. So, I wake up at 6 in the morning puzzling or worrying over the weirdness my brain has just thrust upon me. All the while trying to convince myself to go back to sleep so that I can not be so TIRED. Ok, rant over. Still I am grateful, amazed, and slightly teary at all times.

Things are.....

....still looking good. I haven't had any bleeding or spotting. I am hungrier, but not nauseous unless I really put off eating. My sense of smell is stronger, my neighbor had her lawn mower in the garage and the smell of gas about knocked me over. When doing my workout today I got winded much more easily than usual. Tired, but that's kind of normal for me. Not too hormonal, but with my first pregnancy I was just happy, I didn't get the crazy hormone mood swings that most women get. Oh, how I hope that will be the case this time. The last few nights I've been up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I made my doctors appointment for May 9, I will be seven weeks then so hopefully we will see a heartbeat. I will still worry until I hit that twelve week mark. Last time the baby stopped growing at 8 weeks 3 days, but I had my first ultrasound when I was 9 weeks. I know sometimes they can tell when there is a problem but to my knowledge everything looked fine, just must have been something not visible. But I will feel better if things look good at seven weeks. I am supposed to go visit my sister that same week, the one who is due in June. So, it would be really nice if all is well. If not, I may have to postpone the trip. I have days when I am sure everything will be fine this time around and days when I am certain that I will start seeing blood any moment. I just don't feel the symptoms very strongly, but only being 4 weeks 2 days could be the reason for that. I am not sure if I am deluding myself, but I honestly feel this pregnancy is different from the last one. But, I had strong pregnancy symptoms even the day of the ultrasound last time. Most days I don't make myself crazy, trying to stay focused on taking good care of myself and stay positive. We haven't told anyone yet. I may end up telling my neighbor that I exercise with because some of the 90x programs are too intense for me right now. Not sure I can tackle plyometrics right now! Happy thoughts!

So, it's official......

...... I've had at least ten positive pregnancy tests since Tuesday.  My period was due Saturday the 16th, but I always start testing early. I bought those test strips from Amazon where you get 50 for under $10 so I could test as much as I wanted. I'm fairly confident that I'm pregnant, but I am not confident that I won't miscarry. Part of my crazy testing after I got a positive was to see if the lines were getting darker or lighter. The lines are getting darker, but my breast tenderness has decreased and is not as constant.  Which makes me panic a little. I am trying so hard not to stress and most of the time I am successful. I'll call my doctor's office on Monday and see how soon they will let me come in to hopefully put aside my fears. I was at my parent's house yesterday and my son told my mom that we were having a baby. I hadn't told him yet (so where his idea came from I'm not sure) and my husband didn't even know yet because he was out of town for work; however, I wasn't going to tell my mom first, so I just made a joke and reminded him that it was Aunt T who is having a baby.  I guess I can plead innocence when we announce because I haven't even missed my period yet! Happy Thoughts!

Merry Christmas.....

.....or not? Just realized that if I discover within the next week that I am pregnant I will be due the week of Christmas. For the record, I don't know how I didn't realize this, and while I will be ecstatic to be pregnant I have some trepidation about the timing. I have a sister with a Christmas Eve birthday and it can be difficult. But, if we are blessed with a child that close to Christmas at least I know that our child will be celebrated all their life.
Such a random thought, but I was off a month in my thoughts of when I would be due. I did a pregnancy calculator last night and realized my mistake. For someone trying to conceive sometimes I feel like I am oblivious to a lot. Ignorance as a security net? Not sure how I am feeling about that.

Wow...

....I am a horrible blogger! So, still not prego. I am starting to be ok again with that. I started doing an hour of school a day with my three year old, and I don't know that I could commit the time to preparing and following through with that if I was expecting or had an infant. We plan to put him in preschool next fall and I wanted him to have some idea of what to expect. He does much better in life when I prepare him for things. He's super smart (I'm not biased) and actually loves "school" with mommy. We just started this week and this morning first thing he saw our school box and wanted to do school. No cartoons, no breakfast, just school. I'm sure that won't last, but who knows, I actually enjoyed school so maybe he will too. It doesn't hurt that I let him practice writing his letters in sugar and then he gets to lick his fingers!
I went to a baby shower last night. Here where I live there are always pregnant women. At the shower I ran into an acquaintance who is pregnant and due in August. She has a three year old child who they adopted as an infant and was told never to plan on being pregnant seven years ago. I am so excited for her. She seems nervous and still a little incredulous that it's actually true. She was telling me about it, and paused and said, "I can imagine you understand that feeling completely." Yep, funny cause it was seven years for us too. I just hope she can relax and enjoy her pregnancy. I know that after I got through that first trimester I was so happy. I seriously have never been that happy with my normal hormonal mood fluctuations. You can ask my hubby, he will wholeheartedly agree!  Baby showers are fun, but hard. Since my boy is three now people are starting to ask about another baby soon. I am able to deflect with humor, saying one rambunctious boy is plenty; but the laughter is only on the outside.  But, I do love oogling the cute tiny baby clothes and shoes. The upside to living in prego-ville is that there is always a baby to cuddle! And I don't have to change the diapers or get up in the middle of the night for feedings!
Still doing my fertility monitor. I'm not sure why, but it makes me feel like I'm doing something. Every month I try to find something new to blame my non-pregnancy on. I'm exercising too much, I'm not eating the right foods, my hubby gets too hot when he works out (Zumba, he loves it!), my neighbor who is in peri-menopause is throwing off my cycle......blah, blah, blah.  I have a friend who isn't ovulating right now and her doctor wants her to go on Clomid, but she's nervous. She needs to do what she's comfortable with, but I thought to myself, "Oh, I wish I actually knew some reason I don't get pregnant so I knew what to do about it!" But, it doesn't really matter because we are all in this difficult journey together and whether our circumstances are the same or different we all understand the struggle month after month. 

It's Been A While....

.....since I've done a post. Nothing new to report. Not pregnant, not even sure I ovulated last month which is weird for me. I had a three week cycle, and even though I'm showing some new symptoms around ovulation (nausea and breast tenderness), this month I still had my twingies (as I call them) when I can feel my ovary working; but didn't feel that last month. Who knows?
So, I'm handling my stress levels better. Just ovulated and if it doesn't happen this month there is no way we will be able to use our flex spending for the delivery and other bills. There's not much I can do at this point about that. If we aren't pregnant this month, I will be able to use the money to try to get pregnant. I still need to check and see what is eligible to use flex spending for, but I will worry about that in two weeks if Aunt Flo comes to visit!
The fun part this month is that I ovulated while at my in-laws house and my husband explained to them why he couldn't go in the hot tub during his usual visit to the gym with his dad.  I understand why he did it, his dad wouldn't have let the issue rest until he had a reason, but it's still a little embarrassing to me. My biggest worry is that now they will be expecting an announcement next month that we are pregnant despite the fact that they know we've been trying to get pregnant practically since we had our son three and a half years ago. Oh, well. Life is good and worrying about that won't change anything.
I started using my fertility monitor again. It seems a little silly since I know my cycle, but it's always nice to have confirmation. I am enjoying life, three year olds really are fun, and am grateful that the craziness has subsided a bit.

Yahoo!

I am doing so good on the stress levels this month! It's 7 days post ovulation and I am not over-analyzing and not driving myself (or my husband) crazy! Hooray! Only one more week to go!

Let The Waiting Begin.....

This is the part of my cycle I hate the most. The waiting to see if period will start or if I will be pregnant this month. I have a goal to not drive myself so crazy this time. We've done what we can, and if it's the right time it will happen. The new weird things my body is doing don't help though. Last month I had nausea and tender breasts and I was convinced I was pregnant and had ovulated a little early. Again this month I have had nausea and the breast tenderness is starting. After a bit of research I discovered that some women have these symptoms around ovulation. Really, new stuff, now? I could do without the stress of my body changing my signs right now. But, I am being calm, I am having faith, I am.....hopeful.

Does anyone else....

....do goofy things during ovulation week? I am putting a stop to all baths between now and period (it might wash away the sperm or the fertilized egg even though I know that all medical advice says it doesn't). I did plow (a yoga position)

Image from: http://www.infobarrel.com/Media/Plow_Yoga_Pose

after sex last night because somehow in my mind it makes the sperm go the right direction. Ha ha! I've never tried that one before, and the sad thing is that if I get pregnant this month I will be determined that that was the trick!

Sometimes I Wonder.....

....why I feel I don't want to talk about my struggle with infertility with my friends and family. Most people who know us are aware of it, but I really can't open up about it to them. Our parents don't even know about my miscarriage. Really, how do you not tell your mom something like that? We were waiting until the safe time to tell them we were pregnant and then when we didn't make it to that point, I didn't know how to bring it up. They don't live in the same town so I didn't have to explain any missed Sunday dinners or family events. I know that it is nothing to be ashamed of, but I don't want it to be my defining characteristic.
I had someone who I adore recently tell me she had a dream about me holding a infant boy. She had this look on her face like she had told me the best news! Really, I don't think anyone who hasn't struggled with conceiving a child can understand how those words might be hurtful. Which, is why I don't have any anger for her, because she is truly one of the kindest people I know. I got pregnant within a year of moving here, we were both in our early thirties, so most people just assume we waited intentionally to have kids, or that we hadn't been married that long before moving here. It isn't that strange to wait a few years between children, so it's just now that people are starting to anticipate us announcing another child soon (which I really hope we will). So it's a little weird for me to share my life with people who have no idea of this private struggle. I feel a little imposterish, like I am living life with this secret that people don't know. But really how do you bring it up in casual conversation? "Your little girl looks so adorable today, oh and by the way, I have a super hard time getting pregnant, I've had a miscarriage and I'm terrified I'll never have another child." Ha ha, I would love to see the crazy looks I would get. So, for now I am happy to finally have an outlet for these thoughts and feelings I have. My dear hubby is the only person I know who knows about this blog, so for now I feel safe in my anonymity, and grateful for the kind words of strangers who actually understand the world I navigate.

I Have the Best Husband Ever!!!!!!

Tonight, I went to a new class at the gym, which meant my hubby had to have a sandwich for dinner. Then, he took our boy upstairs and watched a movie with him so I could take a leisurely bath and read.  I am relaxed and happy right now (and ready to crawl into bed despite the early hour). And, he put him to bed. Thanks my love!

Finally

Ok, definitely not pregnant this month.  The wait is over, now I get to get ready for next month, count my blessings, and hug my boys.

Really?

Still nothing, no bleeding, no positive test. UGH!!!!

Hope Springs Eternal

I astound myself some days as I continue to focus on specific things my body is doing and completely disregard others.  I did have some spotting on Monday, but since then I have only had slight pinkish brownish discharge, and I have still been nauseous. So, my heart keeps saying, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe...........
Never mind the fact that there are other pre-period symptoms that are unmistakable like cramping, that somewhat burning sensation I get just before period, my breast tenderness stopped, the negative pregnancy tests, my head saying, no, no, no, no............
If only my heart could be right and my brain could be wrong. Tomorrow should be day 1, the day I know for sure; even though really I know for sure and I just don't want to.  I'm just amazed that in the face of the facts, I still hope that maybe the facts could be wrong.

My Sweet Sister

First of all, let me say I love my sister. After my husband and son she is my favorite person in this world. She is kind, sensitive, loving, and a fabulous sister. She is also super-duper fertile. She has been married for eight years, and is pregnant with her fifth child. Her oldest is seven, second is five, third is three, youngest eighteen months, baby due in June. I really don't know how she does all she does and finds money in the budget for everything (her hubby doesn't make a ton of money and he's a student right now). It's funny but I have never struggled with her easy (and often unplanned) ability to get pregnant.....until this one. It has a little to do with my miscarriage, and her ill-timed doctor appointment the day before my estimated due date when she discovered she is having a little boy. But, also that we try unsuccessfully to get pregnant and it happens for her when she is trying not to get pregnant. "The only time it could have happened was when I was on my period!"
I feel so guilty that I am not ecstatic for her this time.  I feel guilty because I haven't called her since she told me what she is having (it was actually her first appointment since discovering she was pregnant, she was about eighteen weeks pregnant at that point).  I feel guilty because I love her so much and I know that she struggles with my infertility too.
So, I am praying and hoping that I can change my feelings and quit avoiding her and support her right now, because her struggles in life are more challenging than my inability to conceive. I need to not be so selfish!

The Cycle of Crazy

I have this monthly craziness I go though and I'm going insane. Week 1 (period) - depressed because I'm not pregnant.  Week 2 - first couple of days ok, next five days crazy because ovulation fertile window is opening and we need to focus. Week 3 - first couple of days are still possible fertile days so there's the focus, then from that point on I'm constantly thinking about whether or not we were successful this month. Week 4 - I over analyze everything about my body, this means I am pregnant, that means I'm not. Week 1 is almost a relief even when period comes because at least then I'm not driving myself crazy trying to figure out if I am pregnant or not!

A Little Introduction

Hi, I am starting this blog so I can vent about my maddening struggle with infertility. I hold no illusions that anyone will actually read this blog, but I need a journal of sorts and writing in a book has never been my thing (reading books, now that's an entirely different story). If someone happens to stumble across this site I will give you a little history. I have been married almost fourteen years, the first three we used birth control (ha, ha what a waste of money!). We waved off not getting pregnant for a couple of years because my husband traveled for a while, I had a somewhat stressful job, blah, blah, excuses, excuses.  Then there was about a year of confusion, and no excuses, but no pregnancy either.
We finally decided to go to a doctor (after three and a half years of no birth control and no pregnancies, six and a half years of marriage). We did tests, everything came back fine. I had mature eggs, I was ovulating, no blockages, no endometriosis, no cysts, etc., my hubby checked out all around. Unexplained infertility, yeah! We did eight cycles of Clomid, two IUI's (with all the fun drugs and shots that accompany that), and still nothing. No pregnancy, no miscarriage, no explanation. I needed a break from all the crazy that I felt I had become.  I was working as a nanny to a wonderful family and they had three adorable girls and I poured my mommy love into them. We kind of looked into adoption, but our hearts just weren't in it. So, we decided to be happy together and just let life happen.  We enjoyed life, moved across the country, and enjoyed being together.
Then, one day (almost three years later) my period was late. What? I was a very steady 28 day girl, so weird right? I had started a new job a month and a half before, we were settling in to a new town. And SURPRISE, I was pregnant. I found an OB, called and they nicely saw me even though I was only five weeks along. They even gave me an ultrasound and miraculously we saw a heartbeat (five weeks is pretty early to see a heartbeat, or so I've been told). I was amazed, astounded, and deliriously happy! My husband was in shock for a little while, I think, but he too was ecstatic with this turn of events. That was four years ago. We celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary in Hawaii when I was five months pregnant and then our little J man was born in September of 2007.
I thought that my struggle with infertility was at it's end. I had a child, I was never sure I would have one, so why wouldn't I be content to just have one spoiled little monster?  But, I always thought I would have multiple kids (I was one of five); and somehow thoughts crept in of desiring another baby. After I gave birth to J we talked about things and decided we weren't going to use any birth control. It seemed kind of pointless, and we did have hopes for another baby. In April of 2010, I was overjoyed to discover I was pregnant again. This time we waited until I was about nine weeks to go to the OB. When they did the ultrasound it was really fast and they tech didn't point out any of the things they usually do. She quietly did her measurements and then told us we could wait in the waiting room for the doctor to see us. I was worried, and when we talked to the doctor she said there was no heartbeat and the baby's size was only at eight weeks. I had had no spotting, no cramping, no indication that things were not as they should be. Most likely I would have started to bleed soon, but I couldn't handle the idea of waiting around to miscarry so we scheduled a D&C for the next day.
Why is it when something happens like that you immediately notice all the people around you who are pregnant?  Friends, old high school friends on facebook, neighbors, cousins. It was insane!
Fast forward a few months, we decided to put all our efforts into getting pregnant again. Tracking my cycle, watching our diets, etc. We put aside a bunch of money in flex spending (gotta love optimism right? even if it costs thousands of dollars), and went to work. The first month we really started was December 2010. I got my period right after Christmas. My in-laws were here and I was really stressed about the pregnancy thing, and it wasn't my favorite Christmas ever. On to January, and I started spotting today. It's a little early (three days) and I could try to write it off as implantation bleeding, but I feel a little crampy, and I'm pretty sure period is here. I was so sure we had a success this month. My breasts were tender (not a common period symptom for me), and I was a little nauseous (although my little boy was sick and sleeping was at a minimum so the nausea probably was a side effect of being really tired).   And now you are up-to-date. From here on out I'll just journal the craziness of ME!